Logs of Passion
by PJ in NH
Summary: A story, told in different viewpoints (J, T, C, P), about the Captain's overwhelming desire for her Chief Pilot.
1. Thirty Days, Captain's Log

I swore that I wouldn't follow suit and do a coda to Thirty Days. Well I was wrong. PJ in NH 

Thirty Days--Captain's Log by PJ in NH 

Rated: R 

J, P/T 

Synopsis: The Captain's personal account of events following the episode Thirty Days. And answers the question of why Tom was treated so harshly. 

DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns Voyager and its characters. I've only borrowed the characters to satisfy my own creative urges. Archiving is okay, just e-mail me. Please keep disclaimer and my name attached. Captain's Log 

Today marks thirty days. For thirty days he's been in the brig. But he deserved it. Deserved it not for disobeying me or for disregarding the mighty Prime Directive. He deserved it for breaking my heart. For refusing to notice me, for not recognizing all of my attempts to get him to pay attention to me, for not touching me...for not loving me. 

I thought that I was making headway that day in my ready room. We both shared our love for the classics, for Jules Verne and the tales of the sea. It was something special to see those blue eyes dance with glee, and then cloud over when he spoke of dashed dreams--of his father. But he hadn't really noticed me. Hadn't even noticed when I 'accidently' had forgotten the time of our scheduled early morning tea and had greeted him at the door still clad in my nightgown. He had blushed so beautifully I wanted to touch his flushed cheeks, not only on his face but--well you get the picture. He retreated back to the corridor to wait for me to dress when all I wanted was for him to come in and undress me. So I settled for the talk and the tea. When I wished him bon voyage, he looked so pleased, so grateful, but he didn't express his gratitude the way that I had hoped. Instead, he probably rushed to *her* arms. 

You would think that he would be more appreciative when I saved her life from that alien leech. Yes, he did thank me in the staff meeting after he had so nobly and...yes...selfishly pled for the holographic Cardassian to perform the operation to save her life. It wasn't enough. I wanted more than a simple heart- felt thank you. I wanted him to physically thank me. To take me in his arms, and truly express his appreciation. But wishes aren't reality. Wishes and dreams don't always come true. 

So Tom Paris went on his little mission in the company of his first mate, Harry Kim; boatswain, Seven of Nine; and alien scientist Riga. Please, I prayed as I stared out of the viewport of my ready room, come back to me after your journey to the briny depths and thank me again, really thank me. How I longed to feel his touch. To feel his long elegant fingers upon my skin. It had been a long time. It had been over four years since I had been with Mark. I came close to having a relationship with Chakotay, but why settle for skim milk when might be able to have the cream? It was Tom I realized I wanted, my mentor's son. 

He did come back, and he was upset by what he had discovered, how the Moneans were destroying the ocean. He confronted Burkus until finally I had to tell B'Elanna to leave the room and lay down the law to my Chief Pilot. The anger I felt when he overstepped his bounds both annoyed me and delighted me. As much as I appreciated his passion for this problem, it angered me that he would forget his place, would speak up without my approval. I finally left him standing in the ready room staring out at the ocean below. Later I vowed I would speak with him, attempt to calm him before he regretted what he might say if confronted Burkus again. 

I met briefly with Chakotay and Tuvok to review the Delta Flyer's status. Exiting the meeting I asked the computer were I could find Lt. Paris. As I expected, he was in his quarters. What I didn't expect when I requested access into his cabin, was that I'd find him and B'Elanna quite literally--joined at the hip. Tom looked up from his position on top, but just before he would have noticed me the door slid silently shut, leaving me pale and shaky on the other side. A repetitive list of questions scrolled through my brain as I walked to my cabin. How dare he! Why would he settle for the Chief Engineer when he could have the Captain? Why can't he see that I want him. That I need him to hold me, to pleasure me, to love me? 

Three cups of coffee later, each laced with salty tears, Tuvok paged me to the bridge. Not long after, I found that the Delta Flyer had launched without permission. Tom and his infernal, irrepressible, irresistible passion had acted. If I couldn't help the Moneans and save their planet he had decided that he was going to. Damn him. Damn him for not listening to me. Damn him for disobeying protocol. Damn him for not adhering to the Prime Directive. But most of all--damn him for loving B'Elanna Torres. Damn him! 

The countdown commenced--nine, eight. Harry looked pale and ready to pass out. 

Five, four, three. I swallowed and prayed. He had deliberately ignored my hails. His fate was sealed. 

Two, one. I ordered Tuvok to fire the depth-charge. 

Tom and Riga, and the Delta Flyer survived. But now it was time for discipline. 

Tom stood at attention, straight and very tall, looking directly in front of him, over my head--just like his father had taught him. As I read off each charge he simply answered 'Yes, ma'am' but it was without the delightful charm that he had spoke those words in the past. When he asked to speak freely with me, my heart almost broke, looking up into those beautiful blue eyes and hearing his passionate words of explanation. Then I remembered that he had chosen B'Elanna Torres over me. Me, who had rescued him from prison, had restored his rank and had placed him on my senior staff. He chose that Maquis woman over me. With resolve I sentenced him to thirty days solitary confinement and stripped him of one of his pips reducing him to the rank of ensign. 

For thirty days, he languished in the brig. For thirty days I had but one thought. B'Elanna was a very lucky woman. 

The end. 

Email please to: kelhapam@worldpath.net 

Author's Note: While I personally don't believe that Janeway has any romantic love towards Tom Paris. I think it makes a unique scenario and explanation for Janeway's actions, compared to how other people's action on board of Voyager received no such punishment. 


	2. Counterpoint and Beyond

Title: Counterpoint and Beyond: Captain's Log Continues  
Author: PJ in NH   
Series: VOY  
Codes: J, P/T  
Rating: R  
Synopsis:   
AU account of the Captain's personal log of events following   
Counterpoint through Gravity explaining how desperately she  
yearns to be in B'Elanna's place. (Wouldn't we all?)  
Follows my story: Thirty Days--Captain's Log, which can be found  
at: http://unix.worldpath.net/~kelhapam/30days.htm.   
Email: kelhapam@lr.net  
Posting: OK to ASC, ASCEM, & BLTS. Please notify me if you  
post anywhere else.  
  
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager and its characters. I've  
only borrowed the characters to satisfy my own creative  
urges. Archiving is okay, just e-mail me. Please keep  
disclaimer and my name attached.   
  
Recognition of Appreciation: Many thanks to Patti Heyes, Jamelia,   
Ann Harding, and Phyllis Sutherland for betaing/proofing this  
story for me.  
  
Counterpoint and Beyond: Captain's Log Continues  
by PJ in NH   
7/99  
  
Captain's Personal Log  
  
Even after Tom's incarceration in the brig for thirty days, I  
still held out hope. Hope, that I could convince him that it was  
me he wanted and not *her*. I tried by keeping them apart. I  
began by placing them on different shifts, thus minimizing their  
time together. Then I made sure that Tom would happen to run  
into me--in the mess hall, the holodeck, or any number of other   
places on the ship. It was easy for me, as the captain, to  
arrange these chance meetings, but alas it accomplished nothing.   
I had it on good authority that they were still seeing each  
other; in fact it was rumored that he seldom slept in his own  
quarters, at least not alone.   
  
When Kashyk started making inspections of my ship, I tried to  
convince myself that my yearning for Tom Paris was a waste of  
time. I told myself that if he didn't want me and I should just  
simply take advantage of the opportunity that Kashyk offered.   
Kashyk was after all, even for an alien, a handsome man, and he  
seemed to share my love for music. So I tried to become  
interested in him, tried to convince myself that it was him that  
I wanted and not Tom Paris. What a fool I was! He could never be  
Tom Paris. Never. I've been spoiled. It is either Tom or  
nothing. I would settle for nothing less--a captain shouldn't  
have to.  
  
Selfishly, I continued keeping Tom and B'Elanna on separate  
shifts. When Chakotay asked me for the reasons behind my  
request, I said just two words: "Captain's prerogative." Being a  
good first officer, he didn't question me any further. He just  
nodded and resumed his work.   
  
It was about then that I noticed, though I can't for the life of  
me figure out why I hadn't noticed it before, that Tom had  
stopped saying 'Yes, ma'am' to me. It was as if he had decided  
that to say those words bespoke of a closeness that he no longer  
felt towards me. From the expressions on the faces of the bridge  
crew, Tuvok included, I could tell that they had noticed this  
change as well.   
  
Fine. If Tom wanted to play these games, then so could I.   
  
Unexpectedly before I could act, there was an incident with the   
Doctor which had to be taken care of. Many months ago, at Paris'  
urging, the EMH had to decide between two crewmembers--one to  
die, the other to live. He chose Harry Kim, while Ensign Jetal  
died from her injuries. It was a situation that almost destroyed  
him before I ordered that his memory of that incident be erased  
from his files.  
  
I was on my way to the holodeck to sit with the ship's troubled  
doctor, when I happened to catch Tom and B'Elanna exiting one of  
the turbolifts. Their clothes were in disarray and their hair  
was ruffled--not their usual tidy appearance. Seeing me, they  
both came to a halt. I questioned their actions, telling them  
that kind of activity would not be tolerated on my ship. I  
informed B'Elanna that if it were to happen again, she *and* Tom,  
would be occupying cells in the brig--separate cells. They  
acknowledged their wrongdoing and looked duly chastened.   
B'Elanna headed to her cabin, and Tom to the bridge. I couldn't  
really blame them for their actions, or should I say *her*?   
Being trapped in a turbolift with Tom had been a dream that had  
been visiting me in my sleep for months...no, make that years,  
ever since I met him in New Zealand. How could I blame B'Elanna  
or any other female, and to be honest even some males on the  
ship, for wanting what I had wanted for such a long time?  
  
Soon after, I sat with the EMH on the holodeck while he tried to  
resolve what had happened to him. Reading a book of poetry, and  
trying to avoid all the pieces of poetry that reminded my of my  
blue-eyed god, my emotions started to seep through my Starfleet-  
trained exterior. To feel his arms around me was my desire,  
never to feel them would be a terrible waste. To feel his lips  
pressed against my own was my paradise; never to experience that  
intimacy my hell. I was just on the verge of losing my composure  
when the good Doctor noticed my discomfort. He felt my forehead  
and deemed that I felt warm--he deduced that I was ill--he was  
right. I was love sick. The Doctor demanded that I go to  
Sickbay and that Mr. Paris treat me. The very thought made me  
flush with excitement. I resisted a bit for show, and the Doctor  
pleaded. So I left, and for a change, followed the good EMH's  
instructions to the letter.  
  
Tom was a bit surprised to find I was his patient that evening.   
I'm sure that he expected to find someone else, anyone but his  
Captain waiting for him. It was only due to willpower and an  
ounce of self-respect that I hadn't already removed my uniform.   
That I wasn't perched on the biobed, with just an examination  
sheet wrapped around me. It was as if he could almost read my  
mind and knew of my intentions. He acted very professionally --  
too professionally. The only time that my flesh met his was when  
I shifted deliberately on the bed, forcing him to brush up  
against me. One time I struck the bulls-eye, when I moved to the  
left and he to the right, his elbow made contact with my right  
breast. For a moment, I was in heaven--one of my goals had been  
achieved; though only a minor one, but one had to accept these  
little moments when they happened. My little moment didn't last  
long though; from the look on my helmsman's face I could tell  
that he hadn't even noticed. He hadn't even detected my  
increased heart rate--some nurse he was. Promptly prescribing an  
analgesic and bed rest he said I could leave. Bed rest? I don't  
need best rest, I wanted to shout. I need you resting in *my*  
bed!  
  
With his dismissal, I left feeling every bit like an ensign. I  
had too much pride to stay. So taking the analgesic hypospray  
that he gave me, I went to my cabin, and took something that  
would be even more helpful--a cold shower, but it did no good.   
My night was filled with another restless sleep and visions of  
Tom Paris stretched out on my briefing room table, clad in  
nothing--not even his briefs. But every time he reached for me  
to touch me and bring me pleasure, I would awaken.  
  
Then we encountered photonic beings who thought we were not real,  
which in turn trapped Voyager in their segment of space like a  
insect on flypaper. Again we found that nothing is ever dull in  
the Delta Quadrant. I was to find out first hand how unusual  
things could get. We met in the ready room to discuss the  
situation. While Tom was trying to explain the inside and out of  
his holographic character Dr. Chaotica and the world of Captain  
Proton, there was more communication between us than there had  
been in a long time. When he suggested that I play the part of  
Queen Arachnia I pretended to resist looking over my shoulder at  
Seven, but I already knew that I would say yes. In my heart, I  
knew that I would have done anything he asked of me. Tom was  
back, and smiling at me. How could I have refused him anything  
at that moment?  
  
It was a role of a lifetime, Tom said. Me, Queen of the Spider  
People...well you take what you are offered, and I played it for  
all I was worth. Not only for the good of the ship, but for Tom  
Paris as well. I almost cried when Chaotica *died*. I didn't  
want this holoprogram to end. The question mark on Dr.  
Chaotica's imagizer gave me hope that Dr. Chaotica would live  
again, and hope that Mr. Paris would include me in some future  
adventures. A sequel of say: "Queen Arachnia and the Capture of  
Captain Proton" would be certain help to display my theatrical  
talents. Well, I can hope.   
  
I can also dream. For the next several nights, my dreams were  
permeated with visions of Captain Proton stretched out on my  
torture table while I seduced him with my pheromones and my  
charms. In my dreams, he succumbed to my ministrations and  
pleasured me beyond belief.   
  
Another particularly vivid dream woke me much too early one  
morning. It felt so real that I couldn't go back to sleep, so I  
opted for a cold shower instead--an all too frequent occurrence  
of late. If it kept up, I'd be an icicle. As it was, it was the  
only way I could function in the morning without actually jumping  
my hunk-of-the-helm. What's gotten into me? Normally I wouldn't  
express myself in such a fashion, but I haven't been myself  
lately. I've been...obsessed.  
  
After toweling off, I donned my uniform and headed to the mess  
hall for an early breakfast. What I didn't expect to see was my  
Chief Pilot and the Chief of Engineering necking in a dark  
corner. As it was only 4:15, they had the place to themselves  
and didn't notice when I entered. I waited by the door, but they  
were too involved in each other to see me or hear me. But I  
heard them. She spoke to him of her hopes, her dreams, and how  
he had been the one to make her spirits soar to unbelievable  
heights. Then Tom told her how her love for him had made him  
believe in himself again, made him have hope for the future.   
Then he told her that he loved her. Damn him. It was to *me*  
that he was supposed to say those words. It was *me* that gave  
him the opportunity to pilot a starship again. Not her! That's  
it!, I tried to convince myself. Who needed him anyway? But I  
already knew the answer--*I* needed him. With hopes of a cup of  
coffee forgotten and being too outraged to maintain my dignity, I  
left them there.   
  
I devised more ways to keep the pair apart. I scheduled one for  
a double shift, while the other worked the remaining shift. Thus  
the only time they might actually meet would have been during a  
dinner break. I wasn't stupid though, I made sure that if Paris  
was on the bridge, that he couldn't get away at the same time  
B'Elanna could to have a meal together.   
  
Then I sent him on an away mission with Tuvok, when normally I  
would have included an engineer. What use did it serve having a  
security officer on the mission, even if he was the Chief  
Tactical Officer and a Vulcan? It served me by keeping Tom apart  
from B'Elanna. Little did I know at the time, how long that time  
apart would be.  
  
The unthinkable happened, Tom and Tuvok disappeared down a  
gravity well. I instantly regretted my selfishness. If B'Elanna  
had been on the mission, perhaps she could have worked one of her  
miracles and saved them...saved *him*. Then when Chakotay came  
to me to tell me that not only had they been sucked down that  
one-way funnel, but there was also a time differential involved,  
I felt not only dismay but a strange sense of hope. Dismay  
because I didn't want to lose the blue-eyed pilot of my heart;  
and hope because if we could rescue them, then he would have had,  
by our calculations, approximately two months to get over his  
infatuation with that half-Klingon.   
  
Literally under the gun we rescued them, and to my dismay  
immediately after leaving the transporter platform, Tom headed  
off to find her. He bypassed me and took the first turbolift to  
find B'Elanna. I followed to remind him that he had to go to  
sickbay and be examined. Granted I could have contacted him by  
his commbadge, but I felt this warranted the personal touch, and  
besides I wanted to tell him how much he was missed, if even for  
a couple of days by Voyager's time.   
  
Arriving in Engineering just after he did, I saw him greet  
B'Elanna. He was obviously overjoyed and rushed up to her and  
swept her into his arms. She though, to my relief, didn't show  
the same exuberance. Yes, she hugged him but not with the same  
passion he displayed. Upon releasing her I could see that he was  
disturbed by her lack of emotion, just before he erected the  
famous impregnable Paris walls. Now was my chance. Maybe now,  
he would notice. Maybe now, he would forget her and come to me.   
  
He almost didn't see me standing there when he walked out of  
Engineering. Instructing him to go to sickbay, he turned and  
acknowledged me, albeit absently. Perhaps it was too soon to  
approach him, I determined, and resolved to wait until that  
evening to express my relief at his return to the ship.   
  
So evening came, and I changed out of my uniform and into a  
special lounging outfit that I replicated especially for the  
occasion. It was made of a soft mint green fabric that clung to  
my curves. The dress portion of the outfit fell to just past my  
knees over a pair of matching slacks. It looked good on me and I  
knew it. Adding a spray of perfume and clipping my hair back  
over my left ear with a sparkling barrette, I left to go to Tom's  
cabin.   
  
Afterwards, I sat in my cabin having drunk my fourth shot of  
bourbon, skipping the ice, reflecting on what had happened. I  
hadn't needed to enter the cabin, even from the corridor I could  
hear the sexual union that was going on inside. The walls  
vibrated with the ardor of their copulation. Hearing the sound  
of something heavy impact with the door followed by B'Elanna  
throaty demand of: "Take me now!" I left.   
  
Now sitting here recalling what I had heard, I regret not heeding  
an old saying. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."   
  
  
The End.  
  
Email is most welcomed, in fact it is craved. Please send any  
comments to: kelhapam@worldpath.net 


	3. Engineer's Log

Title: Engineer's Log - Intimate Relations Author: PJ in NH Series: VOY Codes: AU T, J, P/T Rating: R Disclaimer: Voyager owns all the characters, etc., I'm just using the characters for a little fun and relaxation. Email: kelhapam@worldpath.net Posting: OK to ASC, ASCEM, BLTS, & PT Fever. Please notify me if you post anywhere else. 

Note of Appreciation: Special thanks to Patti Heyes, Phyllis Sutherland, and Laura Hale for betaing/proofing this story for me. 

Synopsis: B'Elanna's expresses her point of view in her personal log regarding the Captain's feelings for Tom Paris, and her feelings for the blue-eyed pilot as well. (This is an addition to my "Captain's Logs", part of my "Logs of Passion" series.) 

Engineer's Log Intimate Relations by PJ in NH July 1999 

B'Elanna Torres' Personal Log 

Almost as soon as the Maquis stepped foot on Voyager, I knew that our captain had a special place in her heart for the "Observer" and soon-to-be Chief Pilot. At first, I thought it was a feeling born out of simple compassion, but I soon learned just how special she felt Tom Paris was. She loved him--no, it was more like she craved him. It was there in the soft looks she gave to him and him alone. In the way she would place her hand on his shoulder when he piloted Voyager, and especially in the way she would wet her lips in his presence when she thought no one was looking. 

I believe that I was the first one on the ship who was aware of her feelings. Probably even before she had admitted them to herself. Perhaps it is because I'm a woman too, or more than likely, it's that I've loved him for almost as long. 

Klingons and love--if the captain only knew how keen our senses are when we have found our soul mate. We can sense a potential rival even before they realize that they are attracted to our mate themselves. And I did sense *her*. I could see her grey eyes dilate when she was near him. I could smell her perfume, Midnight Surrender, and the nervous perspiration when she would approach him. I could hear her slight intake in breath when Tom spoke to her. Tom Paris though, even with his reputation of being a womanizer, was still but a man, and didn't seem to notice any of these tell-tale signs. He treated her like the captain she was, but with a bit more flippancy and humor than a lieutenant would show to most captains. 

Perhaps it was this bit of irreverence and levity than led Kathryn Janeway to believe that he might be open to a possible relationship, but I knew better. I had seen him interact with Chakotay on the Liberty in much the same fashion. 

At that time, I had even commented on his actions to one of the Maquis engineers, Timothy, an older man who had once served in Starfleet like Chakotay. Timothy had laughed when I suggested that our new pilot should be reprimanded for lack of respect. I questioned his reaction to my concern. He explained that he had served on the U.S.S. Exeter at the same time as Tom and that the pilot's demeanor was nothing new. Paris had this same casual rapport with the captain of that vessel. Timothy speculated that it had something to do with Tom's father being an admiral and growing up in a "Starfleet family" from birth--a family chock full of commanders and admirals. Mere lieutenant commanders and captains did not intimidate Tom Paris like they did the other young ensigns. To him, they were like anyone else, so he didn't temper his tongue. He said what he felt within reason. And if what he said helped to lighten the mood on the bridge and endear people to him---male or female, captain or crewmember--so much the better. I doubted Timothy's evaluation at the time, but have learned from experience that he spoke the truth. 

For the first couple of years in the Delta Quadrant, Kathryn Janeway had kept her emotions fairly under control and to herself. During Tom's metamorphosis after achieving warp ten, I think that Janeway almost told Tom of her feelings for him. If she had been alone with him in sickbay and if Tom hadn't been so antagonistic at the time due to his changing body chemistry, perhaps she would have. Tom told me, after we had committed to our relationship, that he had apologized for coupling with her during their the visit to that alien planet, even though neither one could remember the deed. She had replied that maybe it might not have been his idea, she might have initiated the copulation. Of that I have no doubt. That's funny! Thinking back, I bet she's pissed that she can't recall having sex with Tommy Lizard and having those little lizard-ettes! 

I do have to give the Captain credit, after that she tried very hard not to let her attraction for him surface. But when Tom and I returned from that galacite mining expedition, the one where I experienced Blood Fever, things changed. Janeway was there when we beamed up from the planet, ready to beam down herself at Chakotay's request. She looked first at Tom, taking careful notice of the crescent-shaped bite mark I had given him, and then at me. Her eyes hardened upon seeing me and her face paled. Abruptly ordering us to turn in reports to her by the next day, she pivoted on her heel and left. Tuvok looked at me and raised one eyebrow, as if to say "what was that about?" I simply shrugged my shoulders. It would serve no purpose to explain to the Vulcan that I suspected the captain had been experiencing her own blood fever for the Voyager's chief pilot. That was something that he'd have to find out on his own. 

Not long after that, I thought she might have had an opportunity to act upon her emotions during our experience with the Nyrians. Tom and I hadn't been getting along at the time--as with all relationships we had our ups and downs. We are both very stubborn individuals, and this time was no exception. Tom had found a fulfilling physical release by using the bat'leths on the holodeck, and I, at the time, wanted nothing to do with my Klingon heritage. Our argument had started based on that and accelerated after we had been transported to the Nyrian ship. I snapped and he snarled, and Janeway, when she wasn't trying to get us out of there, relished every moment. She even tried to intensify our tension by sending Tom to check up on me while I was working with the Doctor. It worked, my Klingon temper got the best of me, and I let Tom have it and he stormed away. Later, trapped in the ice cave of the Argalla habitat he saved me from freezing to death, using my own Klingon rage to my benefit. Thankfully, we found that despite our anger there was still a lot of love. The smile he gave me in the holodeck after we returned did more to warm me than all he did for me in the ice caves. That one smile, the glint of delight from his blue eyes, made my heart burst with joy. We were back and better than before. That one grin spoke of promise for our future. 

Afterwards, Janeway found other things to occupy her mind. Namely, Kes leaving and Seven of Nine coming on board. The captain had taken it upon herself to help that Borg bimbo adapt to becoming human again...though I think the effort will ultimately prove to be *futile*. Seven will always possess enough Borg traits to make me wary. But thankfully it was enough of a distraction for Janeway to put aside her feelings for her Chief Pilot for a while. 

Despite her preoccupation with Seven, I could tell that Janeway still hadn't put aside her passion for our pilot when Tom and I had to go and retrieve the ejected warp core. She knew that we would have the best chance of retrieving that vital component to the ship in one piece, and had been forced to let us go. During our sojourn in space when we had to don environmental suits and abandon the shuttle, Tom and I almost died. Drifting in the vacuum of space, I professed my love for him and, while he didn't repeat those words back to me, I knew he felt the same. The last traces of precious oxygen had all been but used up when the captain contacted Tom and they beamed us aboard Voyager. 

During the time in recovery, Janeway came down to check on us. Lying there in better condition that Tom was in, but still groggy, I watched her speak with the Doctor through my barely opened eyelids. When she was through with the EMH, she came over to our biobeds. She paused briefly beside my bed and patted me on the shoulder...probably for show as the Doctor was still in the room. Then, she turned her attention to Tom. She placed her hand on his cheek and then his forehead, brushing back his unruly hair from his face. It must have roused him a bit. For although he was not yet fully awake, he began to mumble and finally speak in a barely audible voice. Yet loud enough that I could understand him and I knew the captain could also. My heart almost burst with joy upon hearing those words he uttered: "B'Elanna, I...love...you.... too." Kathryn Janeway, I was aware, had obviously heard him since she was closer to him than I was. I could also hear her breath catch in her throat, and through slitted eyelids I saw her complexion blanch. As she started to turn her head toward me, it was at that moment I decided to open my eyes. I wanted her to know that I had heard what Tom had said as well, and I met her gaze directly with a smile on my face. I wanted to yell: "He's mine, you can't have him!" but I chose to remain silent knowing that my smile alone spoke volumes. Victory was mine. He was my man, the half to my whole, and I would fight a fleet of Borg cubes, or my captain, to save him if need be. 

Following Tom's declaration of love, Kathryn Janeway stewed in her emotions for a while and became colder, but she hid it very well...most of the time. During the time when those out-of-phase aliens infiltrated the ship and performed medical experiments on us, her jealous anger seeped through. The dopamine that those alien scientists injected her with, and her constant headaches, weakened her resolve. Having heard that we had been displaying our affection a little too *publicly* she snapped. While she didn't tell us not to have a relationship -- even her authority didn't extend that far--she tried her best to discourage it. She adamantly warned us against public displays of affection and called our behavior *adolescent*, but her words didn't quench our passion. In fact, it may have helped to fuel our fire. 

After those aliens left the ship, Tom invited me to his cabin for dinner. It was lovely, I felt like a queen. After we ate... we....um....satisfied other cravings.... We had come close before to expressing our feelings to the fullest extent, but that night we didn't hold back. It was a turning point in our relationship, a night I would never forget. It was better than I could have possibly imagined. What I experienced was pure bliss and fire at the same moment--contentment and intensity simultaneously. I would never question the existence of heaven or Sto-Vo-Kor again. I knew it dwelled in our hearts...Tom's and mine--and they beat as one. 

The next morning Tom held me close, his chest pressed up against my back. We talked before we found a little piece of paradise again. We decided then and there that we would commit ourselves to each other. For now it would be more than an engagement, but less than a marriage. The marriage would come in due time, with that we were content. We also agreed to be a bit more discreet with our new relationship. Liaisons on engineering consoles would take place on the holodeck only. Thank Kahless that Tom was such a creative holoprogrammer! 

That reminds me, I must have Vorik install an extra vent or two on the holodecks to assist with heat dissipation and also have him increase the thickness of the soundproofing material! 

End Log. 

Email is most welcome, in fact it is craved. Please send any comments to the author at NH at kelhapam@worldpath.net. If you would like to read any more stories by me please check out: http://unix.worldpath.net/~kelhapam 


	4. Chakotay's Journal

Title: Logs of Passion: Chakotay's Journal Contact: kelhapam@worldpath.net Series: VOY Rating: PG-13 Code: C, P, J *Part: 1/1 NEW Date: 15th January 2000 

Summary: Chakotay reflects on his unrequited feelings for Kathryn Janeway. 

Explanation: This story is the fourth in the Logs of Passion series. I originally started Chakotay's Journal months ago. I picked it up this week and the words flowed. You never know when your muse will sit on your shoulder and shout in your ear; but when she does, you'd better pay attention. 

Special thanks to beta readers: Phyllis S. and Annie M. 

LOGS OF PASSION: CHAKOTAY'S JOURNAL by PJ in NH January 14, 2000 

Doesn't she notice? Doesn't she care? Can't she see that I love her? That I need her? 

I sit beside her on the bridge, almost her equal, scant centimeters separate us. I'm one step below, only one step, but it seems insurmountable. She should trust me, I believe, and turn to me before anyone else on the ship. I'm her First Officer, but she prefers him--her Chief Pilot. Can't she see how I feel, how I yearn to be part of her life, both on and off the bridge? 

I should have realized that she had feelings for him when she promoted him from a mere observer to a lieutenant after we were trapped in the Delta Quadrant. She struck quick. Who was to question her decision 70,000 light years from home? No one but the crew; and the crew remained silent, at least to her face. 

If you listened carefully though you heard them. Heard them in the lowered voices in the corners of the mess hall, in the far recesses of Voyager's corridors, among small work details in the bowels of the ship. I listened and I heard them--both Maquis and Starfleet alike. They questioned Janeway's decision. Why did she promote him, make him, the "observer," one of the crew? Because he deserved it? Maybe. Because he was the son of her mentor? Possibly. Because she cared about him, had a soft place in her heart for Tom Paris--mercenary, traitor, and murderer? Yes, as far as I was concerned. I knew that he was the best pilot I had ever seen, but to me he still had to earn that rank, that privilege she afforded him. 

I didn't believe it at first, didn't want to believe it; but as time went on, I too came to the same conclusion that she felt something more than friendship for Tom Paris. Reality kicked me in the gut when she confided in him behind my back. When Paris assumed the role of a discontent and fought with me, I believed him. Leaving the ship to pilot a Talaxian vessel, I silently wished him good riddance. Then Paris returned, and I found out about his collusion with the Captain and Tuvok. I had been purposefully left out of the plan. She said it was because she needed a good performance from me. In reality, I knew she felt she couldn't trust her First Officer. 

Then I had an opportunity. Kathryn and I were left on a planet because we were ill. I took it slowly as those days passed, until finally I thought I was making progress. First I wooed her and made her the bathtub she wanted. I fetched and carried, but never pushed her; after all I had all the time in the world and it was just the two of us. Her 'Eve' to my 'Adam.' A chance of a lifetime, and we'd have a lifetime to know either other--know each other intimately I hoped. Then one evening she complained that her muscles were sore, the next thing I knew, I was touching her. I was massaging her tense, tired shoulders. I could feel the knots in her muscles beneath her soft skin. The smell of her freshly washed hair engulfed me and I savored her scent. Then....just when I thought I might be able to make my move, she denied me. Threw the proverbial cold water on my soul. I hurt, but stoically I did not let it show. She retreated back to her bed and to her dreams of her blue-eyed god; and I finally retired to a fitful sleep of dreams of Kathryn and Tom Paris nakedly entwined, while I stood back forced to watch. 

After, we were brought back to the ship I tried to come to terms with her rejection. I mediated and consulted my spirit guide, but I could achieve no comfort. Then the unexpected happened, Tom and B'Elanna started seeing each other. I was conflicted. I reveled in the fact that Tom had spurned any advances Kathryn had made towards him, but something inside me grated at the fact that his love interest was my friend and former Maquis engineer, B'Elanna Torres. 

Then whether out of pity for her treatment of me on that planet, despair over Tom's affair with B'Elanna, or hopefully out of friendship, Kathryn began to confide in me. So again foolishly, I hoped for her to turn to me, but she had erected a force field around her. If I got too close, it prevented me from getting any nearer. So bravely, on the outside, so close and yet so far away, I pretended to be just a friend....on the inside I still yearned for her touch. 

I thought I was getting a handle on this thrust and parry routine we had developed. Thrust? What a laugh! Kathryn Janeway probably hasn't had anyone...become intimate with her since Mark; not that she hasn't had the opportunity. Not that I didn't want to be the one to provide her with the experience. But then suddenly, B'Elanna needed my help. We found that she had been running holoprograms without the safeties on, intentionally placing herself in dangerous situations. She pushed herself to the limit and beyond, often at bodily injury and risk of death. Upon the Captain's orders, I was allowed to investigate the particular programs that B'Elanna had been running in order that I might be able to help her overcome this need to endanger herself. I found many programs that shocked me. Orbital skydiving, bullfighting in Madrid, and of course program Torres 2-1-6 where she took on Cardassian warriors in hand to hand combat; but nothing could have prepared me for one particular program that I uncovered called simply: Fantasy. 

~~~ 

Like I had the other programs I had entered in search of B'Elanna's demons, I adjusted the program to view me as a nondescript stranger. I didn't want any particular holocharacters that B'Elanna had created, like any Maquis, to recognize me. 

Compared to the other holoprograms of B'Elanna I had entered, I was amazed at the serenity that greeted me. Standing on a well-worn path, tall green-leaved trees towered above me. Birds sang from the branches and the sound of a stream somewhere in the distance gurgled. Because of the horrors and dangers I had uncovered in the other programs I was prepared for creatures to descend upon me as I traversed my way through the forest, but none did. Finally, the forest thinned and I found myself entering a clearing. In the middle of the clearing I saw opulent gardens surrounding a large white marbled building. Its stately columns and arches reminded me of depictions of ancient Roman life. Perhaps B'Elanna had designed a gladiator program, I wondered and steeled myself in case of attack. Nearing the building, I could hear sounds of water splashing from a fountain and the muffled sounds of feet from within. Skirting around the building I found a portico and decided that I would rest myself on one of the carved wooden benches that had been placed there. 

"Are you waiting for the master?" 

I looked up upon hearing the familiar voice, but I wasn't prepared for the sight that greeted me. A toga-clad Tom Paris, wearing leather sandals approached me. The garment hung off one shoulder affording an almost unobstructed view of his chest. The skirt of the outfit was almost indecent providing barely any coverage of his groin, a slight breeze, I determined, would be all it would take for him to display his family jewels. As he walked I saw that he didn't even need a slight breeze. If B'Elanna had created this Tom Paris from exact medical records, our Chief Pilot had more to brag about than his piloting skills. 

"Perhaps you didn't understand me?" he asked again. "My Latin is still rusty, are you waiting for the master of this house?" 

I looked up into his earnest face, startled to see the fine line of a scar running from his left ear halfway to his mouth. "No, I'm but a traveler and..." I improvised. "...the good lady of this house has permitted me to rest a while before I continued my journey." 

"I can fetch you something to drink...some wine, perhaps? We have the finest vineyards in all of Pompeii." 

"They do indeed look grand, but thank you, but I'm fine. In a few moments, I'll be on my way. Maybe if you could sit, we could talk instead?" Perhaps this Tom Paris could give me information on this program, I figured. 

He nodded and joined me, taking a seat not on one of the other benches but on the terra cotta floor, carefully positioning himself so he remained covered. 

"You said that your Latin is rusty. You aren't from around here?" I asked to break the ice. 

He laughed lightly and ran his fingers through his hair. Hair that was about three to four centimeters longer than Starfleet would allow. "No, I'm far from home. I was taken from my country, my Britannia, over a year ago and sold into slavery. This is my third master since then. They say that I'm untrainable." He smirked, proud of his distinction. 

"What service do you perform here?" I asked anxious to see how B'Elanna fit into this scenario. 

Apparently this amused him for he laughed all the louder and I could smell wine on his breath. "What service? You did say you were leaving didn't you?" 

I nodded and smiled to encourage him to speak. 

He stopped his laughing but still smiled broadly. "Well according to the master, I serve to plow the soil...in reality I plow his wife." 

"Your mistress?" 

"Not a bad job if you can get it, and can stay out of the master's way," he confided in me. "Of course the job does have its downside." He turned his upper body away from me and pulled down the top part of his tunic from over his shoulder. Vivid red marks marred the skin upon his back. "She's a vixen," this Tom Paris explained. "Last night she was especially 'enthusiastic.' 

That sounded like B'Elanna Torres, I thought. Any man to take her to bed would have to be prepared for a vigorous experience. 

"She fights you know, like most women do. She swears she doesn't want it, but at the same time begs for it. She's such a tease. During the day, she brushes up against me--fondles me when no one is looking, and sometimes she's blatant enough to do it when they are. She'll wrap her toga around her body loosely so the slightest tug or bend of her body will expose her breasts. If I try and touch her during the daylight she laughs at me and scolds, or worse. See this?" Tom Paris pointed at the scar and grinned. "She hit me with a rod one day after I first arrived for daring to kiss her on the stairs when we were alone at noonday. That same evening she took me to her bed." 

"You are playing a dangerous game," I reminded him. This did indeed sound thrilling, something to challenge B'Elanna, but not like the other programs I had uncovered in my quest. 

Tom nodded. "Life is short for a slave. Your masters hold your fate in their hands. Any moment, your time on this earth can be over and I know it, so I enjoy what time I have left. Her husband doesn't please her, doesn't fight enough to excite her passions and I do. It's what keeps me alive." His eyes sparkled and his lips curled. "After the master has drunk himself to oblivion and taken one of the young slave girls to his room, she waits for me and I don't disappoint. It's a game we play, she demands and I deny. She curses me and I revel in her anger daring her to follow through with her threats. She's tells me at night, after her lust is satisfied, when her long golden red hair is the only thing that covers my body that I am the only one that brings her to such peaks of passion. She's a fiery woman, my mistress--fiery and dangerous. It's quite an exciting combination. Wouldn't you agree?" My mouth dried, my heart stopped beating...long golden red hair? That didn't sound like Voyager's Chief Engineer, it sounded like... her captain! "Ye-es," I stammered. My mind unwillingly imagined Kathryn Janeway taking this holocharacter of Tom Paris to her bed. Opening her hands and legs to let him in, and he willingly obliging. Allowing herself to indulge in the fantasy she contemplates as she sits on the bridge and stares at her pilot. 

"Thomas!" echoes in the distance, followed by the sound of footsteps. 

The young man seated before me looks up. "The master's calling, I have to go. Good speed on your journey." 

I nodded too numb to speak. Having just listened to his holocharacter relate Kathryn's actions to me it was all I could do to stand. I was about to call for the program to terminate when a man, presumably Thomas' master, the one that can't satisfy Kathryn's desires, turned towards us. I all but fall over in shock. The face on the man was my own, including the tattoo. Abruptly, I ended the program and sunk to my knees in despair, choosing to stay in the now empty holodeck until I could regain my composure. 

"Computer, state creator of the holoprogram "Fantasy." 

::::The creator is Captain Kathryn Janeway.:::: 

It confirmed what I had suspected. How had this happened? How had I stumbled upon this program, this "Fantasy," when I had been given rights to B'Elanna's holoprograms? And then the answer hit me. It had been planned. Oh, not what B'Elanna had been doing to herself. No, that was still a problem that had to be resolved. What had been planned was that I would find this. The Captain had intended during my search that I would discover her program. It was her way of telling me that we could never be. 

I don't know how long I sat there alone in the middle of the holodeck, the past experience playing over again in my mind on an endless loop. Finally when I regained my composure, I stood and moved toward the exit when I thought of something. A smile tugged at my lips. Using some old Maquis tricks almost long since forgotten, I accessed the protocols to the program. Kathryn was going to be in for a surprise the next time she tried to fulfill this fantasy. 

The End 

I live for fanfic replies, please send your email to kelhapam@worldpath.net 


	5. Tom's Log - Realization & Retaliation

**Title: Logs of Passion: Tom's Log -- Realization and Retaliation   
Contact: **[**kelhapam@worldpath.net**][1]**   
Series: VOY   
Rating: R   
Code: P/T, m/f, J   
Date: 6 February 2000 **

**Summary: Tom comes to the realization of just how much Janeway desires him. **

**Explanation: This story is the fifth in the Logs of Passion series. All of the previous "logs" should be read (in particular Chakotay's Journal) as this is an AU character study. You can find them at http://unix.worldpath.net/~kelhapam/passion.htm **

**Disclaimer: Voyager owns all the characters, etc., I am just using the characters for a little fun and relaxation. **

**Email: **[**kelhapam@worldpath.net**][1]

**Posting: OK to ASC, ASCEM, & BLTS. Please notify me if you post anywhere else. **

**Special thanks to my beta readers: Phyllis S.; Annie M.; Marianne L; and Ronda S. **

**TOM'S LOG - REALIZATION AND RETALIATION****  
by PJ in NH **

**02/00 **

**"Are you sure you can get in?" she asked. **

**I looked up at B'Elanna and then resumed my task. "You just make sure no one sees me, and I'll get us in. There isn't a holoprogram made that I can't access." **

**"No problem. Just hurry," she hissed and resumed her roll as lookout. **

**I continued working the controls. **

**During the construction of the Delta Flyer the Captain questioned the numerous injuries B'Elanna had received. Chakotay had been charged by the Captain to investigate, and had been surprised to find that B'Elanna herself had been responsible. Now over a year later, B'Elanna had begun to delete the programs that Chakotay had accessed, as well as a few more he hadn't discovered. It was a traumatic experience for her having to see those programs again, even but by name. While she was purging the programs, she made a discovery of her own. She found that during Chakotay's quest he had also accessed a program called "Fantasy." Not recalling what the program was, let alone the security codes to access it, she had enlisted my help to get in--another lesson learned in between Caldik Prime and the Maquis, put to good use. **

**Finally after trying the last of my tricks, I accessed this elusive program. B'Elanna moved to stand beside me and took over the controls on the now open program and began to enter commands into the computer. "If by chance "Fantasy" isn't one of mine, I'll cover our tracks," she explained. **

**"Good idea. That's all we'd need, to be in this program, and have the author activate it." **

**B'Elanna nodded. "As soon as the computer stated that the program was in progress, he or she would be suspicious." **

**She tapped out the last keystrokes of the command sequence and we entered "Fantasy." A cool welcoming breeze hit our faces as soon as we entered. I noted the detail that had gone into this portion of the program--the sounds, smells, and sights. I appreciated the time the author had taken in designing this program, but then I reminded myself why we were here. Clasping B'Elanna hand with my own, we started down a worn path that extended into a densely forested area, both wondering what we'd find. **

**"You don't remember this?" I asked after we had walked for a while, noting the puzzled expression on her face. **

**She shook her head. "Nope, not yet. But I created quite a few programs back--then." B'Elanna's voice choked on the words. **

**Reaching around her with one arm I pulled her towards me. I knew that it still upset her to think she had placed herself in such danger. Hell, it upset me too! **

**"Well, if anything comes to mind, let me know." **

**She nodded and we continued down the path. **

**"Look," she pointed. "It looks like it opens up just ahead." **

**I should say that by now I was suspicious of whether we would find anything at all, it looked so harmless, but we continued on. **

**Leaving the forest behind, we entered an open field speckled with wild flowers. It didn't appear that we were going to get ambushed by highwaymen or Romulans, it looked more like we were on a nature walk. In fact, the whole program seemed quite innocent. Of course B'Elanna was never *that* innocent. Her shiny dark eyes looked up at me, I could see the imp within her and in a flash she was gone, running happily through the field. Having played this game before I knew the rules so I took off after her. Our laughter filled the air and I continued to chase my quick half-Klingon. My legs may be long, but she was quick, and provided a challenge. It was when she circled a bush to the left and I chose the right that I finally caught her on the other side. Flushed with the exertion and bright with passion, I pulled her against me. We kissed joyfully. Twirling her around a few times in my arms, I finally I set her down. Then I looked up and I saw it. It was a large white building supported by columns--it appeared to be Roman. A large garden circled the place to complete the picture and it intrigued me. **

**B'Elanna then turned to see what I what I was looking at. "Well, I think I'd remember that," she commented. **

**"So this isn't your program?" **

**"I don't think so. I would have recalled programming this." **

**"I think we should investigate a bit more--just to be sure," I suggested and grabbing her small hand I pulled her along behind me, but she resisted--so typical of B'Elanna. **

**"Tom, stop. Look, if it isn't mine then we shouldn't be in here," she argued. "I think we should go; I've seen enough." **

**"Awww, com'on. Just one little peek wouldn't hurt would it?" I turned on all my charm and threw in a small pout to close the sale. When she hesitated, I knew she'd give in. All good engineers are curious and B'Elanna was certainly no exception. **

**B'Elanna looked up at me a smile tugged at her lips. "Well, just a little look, and then it's back to work." **

**I grinned back. "Agreed." **

**Hand in hand, we walked through the field and towards the building. As we got closer we could see several holocharacters in and around the structure. Deciding to conceal our presence for as long as possible, we were careful, hiding behind bushes and trees as we approached. As soon as we reached the building, we could hear a commotion. Several of the holocharacters were gathering towards what looked to be the front of the building. An elaborately decorated litter carried on the shoulders of some well built bare-chested men, whom I assumed were supposed to be Roman slaves, had just stopped there. Whomever was inside the litter was effectively concealed by heavy drapes. Taking advantage of this distraction, B'Elanna and I entered the building through the columned portico. We carefully wove our way around columns, fountains, and plants. Finally we found a place in a corner of the large center room behind a large planter where we hid to observe what would unfold. **

**We could hear voices grow louder as the characters streamed back into the building. B'Elanna and I crouched down so we wouldn't be discovered. People passed by our hideaway, some were chatting, others were carrying items and exiting off to our right and up a flight of stairs. **

**The next thing we saw surprised both of us. Captain Janeway, or what appeared to be the captain, paraded proudly past us. She was dressed in a simple white toga trimmed in gold with her hair pulled back into a loose bun. The slaves that accompanied her were very attentive. A pair of tall dark-haired men wearing nothing but loin cloths fanned her and several young women dressed demurely in simple white tunics dropped rose petals at her feet. They all filed past until they reached the bottom of the stairs. Janeway then ascended two steps and turned. B'Elanna clutched my hand tightly between her own prepared to be discovered, but the Captain didn't see us, instead she addressed the slaves. **

**"I've been gone a long time," she began. She scanned the group, each character was listening carefully. "The journey has been long. You," she pointed to two of the female slaves, "will prepare me a bath. The rest of you, find him so that he may attend me. Too much time has passed and I *don't* want to be kept waiting." **

**Not inquiring who this man was that Janeway had asked for, apparently they all knew, the slaves all bowed and left the Captain alone to climb the stairs. **

**"Did you see that?" B'Elanna whispered in my ear. "It was the Captain wasn't it?" **

**"I think so. I wonder who she's looking for?" **

**B'Elanna shrugged. **

**"Come on, while the coast is clear let's get out of here," I urged. **

**She agreed and we both exited out into the portico, but before we could leave the building we heard the sound of footsteps coming in our direction. Quickly, we ducked behind a potted evergreen tree and sank back into the shadows. With both of us seated on the floor and with B'Elanna leaning back against my chest, we waited. **

**The patter of footsteps, accompanied by light laughter, grew louder. The owner of a pair of the footsteps, a man, backed into the portico enticing apparently his companion to join him. Soon a dark haired woman, flung herself happily into his waiting arms and he spun her around much like I had done with B'Elanna earlier. As they turned I could feel my heart all but stop. B'Elanna clutched my arm that was encircling her. The man looked just like me except he was dressed in a very short, almost indecent, white tunic and his hair was much longer than regulation. To add to my amazement, the dark haired woman was the spitting image of my B'Elanna! She wore a stark white tunic that fell half-way between her hips and her knees, and her shiny dark hair was loosely pulled back with a white ribbon. **

**"They look like us," B'Elanna breathed in my ear. It was all I could do to nod. I didn't know what to say. I certainly hadn't expected to see duplicates of B'Elanna and me on the holodeck. Pulling my lover close to me, we both watched the drama unfold. **

**"Thomas, you make me laugh!" the holo-B'Elanna remarked, her grinning face looked joyously up into her partner's. **

**"I don't know what I'd do without you, Elana. When I left Britany my only thought was to get back home, now I can't imagine being without you. You are my home." **

**"Elana?" B'Elanna whispered. **

**"Sssshhh," I warned and nuzzled the back of B'Elanna's neck to appease her, and to please me. **

**"And I cannot imagine how I lived before I met you," Elana told my holodeck clone. "I've never been so happy. You always know how to make me smile." **

**Thomas grinned at the compliment and effortlessly, swept Elana up into his arms and carried her over to the fountain where he placed her gently on a nearby bench. Then he folded his long legs under him and sat before her on the tiled floor, not able to take his eyes off the woman. Not that I blamed him, I knew how he felt--many times in fact. Elana noticed it too and bent down towards him obviously intending to kiss him. At that instant, one of the slaves walked through the portico carrying a large pile of what looked like clothing. It disrupted a promising private moment. **

**Reluctantly shifting his attention away from Elana's full lips, Thomas pointed to her small feet. "You're feet are dirty, my lady," Thomas declared formally. They were indeed splattered with mud. "Let me wash them." **

**"Don't you want to kiss me?" she teased. Elana seemed terribly disappointed that he had pulled away from her before they could kiss. **

**"I just don't want to get caught, it could cause us both a lot of trouble," Thomas explained. "Besides, don't you want me to wash your feet?" **

**Elana giggled in response. Taking that as a yes, Thomas gently took off her sandals. Then pulling out the shoulder piece of his tunic he wet it in the fountain. Tenderly he placed her foot in his lap and began to thoroughly wash away the dirt, when he was satisfied it was clean he worked on the other. After he was finished, he reached for the hem of his tunic and dried them. **

**"Am I clean now, Thomas? She wiggled her toes that were just a few centimeters from his face. **

**He carefully scrutinized that one foot. "It looks clean," he announced. Thomas sniffed at her foot first on the top and on the sole. "It smells clean." **

**She chuckled and reaching out to him ruffled his hair with her fingers. He looked up at her, I could see the devil in Thomas' eyes. A devil that I'm sure B'Elanna is very familiar with. **

**He smiled the turned his attention back to her foot, bringing the foot up closer to his face. **

**"You are very thorough," Elana remarked. **

**He smiled and with a swipe of his tongue licked the bottom of her foot. Elana squealed and pulled her foot out from his grasp. Thomas grinned. "Your foot even tastes clean." **

**"You're silly, Thomas." **

**"Do you want me to stop?" he queried. **

**"I didn't say that...I'd never say that." Elana admitted. Her voice reminded me of B'Elanna's when she was trying to seduce me, low and rough, and utterly irresistible. She reached out with her hand and caressed Thomas' cheek. He tilted his head leaning into her palm, enjoying her touch. It was then that I noticed the fine line of a scar along his face, and I wondered how he had earned it. Finally capturing that same hand with his own he turned it over and placed a kiss in her palm. "I want nothing more than to be with you, Thomas," Elana continued. "I love you and don't want Aunt Caterinia to strike you again." **

**So that was how he was injured. **

**Thomas looked away, obviously ashamed. "I deserved it, Elana. I touched her on the stair, and she struck...hard," His voice was barely a whisper, intended for Elana's ears alone. B'Elanna and I had to listen intently to hear all he had to say. Thomas looked up at her, entrusting his soul and his fate to her care. "That evening was the first time of many times she ordered me...to...um...bed her, and I...did. I didn't want her to hit me again. Actually, I even told myself I didn't mind, I thought I owed her because she bought me from my second master, a man that I was sure would kill me eventually. So I convinced myself that it was for the best and that I enjoyed it. Then things changed-- I met you." **

**Elena slid off the bench and kneeling before Thomas wrapped her arms around him. Encircling her waist with his strong arms, he pulled her closer, burying his face against her neck. It was obvious that this couple--this holographic couple, I had to remind myself--loved each other very much. Drinking in the sight, my arms instinctively tightened around B'Elanna. She in turn tilted her head up to me and mouthed the words 'I love you' and we kissed. Her full lips pressed against mine, opening to let me in. My B'Elanna, my love. How had I ever lived without her? My life had been led by fate, and fate led me to her...my other half...my better half. **

**Breaking apart, we saw that Elana and Thomas had done the same. Thomas stroked her face lovingly and she burrowed her fingers in the hair on his chest. "I'm going to talk to Uncle Chacotus today--" **

**"But I thought we decided it would be best to wait," he interrupted. **

**"I thought so too, but with Aunt Caterinia, away, I thought it would be a good time. My birthday is in two weeks, I think I could convince uncle to give you to me--or even let me buy you. Then when we are together, I can free you and we can go to your Britannia." **

**Thomas trapped her face between his hands, and he breathed her name. Turning her head to one side he gently pressed his lips against hers, it seemed almost reverent the way Thomas tasted her mouth--so gentle, so tender. Savoring the moment, he lingered at her lips enjoying their taste thoroughly before moving just below her ear where he nuzzled her neck. She seemed to enjoy it, and in fact I could hear her purr. Any worry about being discovered was forgotten in their passion for each other. I knew if Elana was programed to be like my B'Elanna she wouldn't be able to resist Thomas. He returned to the sweetness of her full lips. Leaning into the kiss, mouths open, tongues penetrating, he dropped one hand to her bare outer thigh. His hand worked its way up her thigh as his mouth wove a path from her lips and down her neck. Elana arched her back, pressing her breasts against him. Thomas' fingers explored the curve of her hip, his tongue probed her cleavage. I felt myself harden at the sight, and I could hear from the rough way B'Elanna was breathing she was excited as well. **

**"THOMAS!" **

**The shout not only startled Elana and her lover, but B'Elanna and I as well. There in all her glory was Voyager's Captain. Some of her auburn hair had escaped her bun and was framing her face...a face reddened with rage. **

**"Thomas, I sent for you to attend me! Instead I see you here with..." Thomas released Elana and Elana turned her head around to face the older woman. Janeway's jaw dropped, and for a moment I thought she'd drop too. Instead, her eyes narrowed and she clenched her teeth. I'd seen that same look when she'd taken on the Borg and the Kazon, it was a look that said in no uncertain terms: Don't mess with me, or there'll be hell to pay. **

**"Computer," she snarled, "delete the woman." If there was any doubt before as to whether this was Kathryn Janeway, this clinched it--holocharacters didn't talk to computers. **

**:::::Unable to process request:::: **

**Thomas and Elana looked blankly at Janeway, not understanding what she was saying. **

**The Captain looked visibly upset that the computer didn't delete Elana. I wondered why it wouldn't until I heard her say something nearly under her breath that sounded like "damn, Chakotay." **

**B'Elanna tilted her head back against my chest. "Chakotay must have tinkered with her program when he was in here last," she whispered. "He must have disabled the subroutine that allows the author to make changes." **

**"Obviously. She certainly didn't seem very pleased to see *you*." I replied back softly. **

**"It wasn't just me, Tom," B'Elanna remarked. "I think it was seeing *me* with *you*." **

**I suppose it should have shocked me what B'Elanna had to say, but it didn't. For months...hell it's been years now...I knew the Captain...um...liked me. Lately she'd seemed to have taken it even further. I'd catch Janeway looking at me as if I was a prime cut of beef...or maybe a fine Columbian blend. It made me squirm on the inside, but I faced the world, or the Delta Quadrant, with my mask on, pretending not to notice. **

**When B'Elanna and I started seeing each other I'd hoped that the Captain would seek out someone else...like the Commander. God knows, and so did most of the ship, that he thought the world of her, but she didn't seem to notice. But me being in a serious relationship, even after three years, didn't seem to deter the Captain's attraction towards me. Not wanting to go into depth about the Captain right then with B'Elanna, I remained silent. **

**Hearing the sound of the Captain clearing her throat returned our attention to the scene before us. **

**"You will *join* me upstairs, Thomas," Janeway ordered. "Now!" The implication of the word join was well apparent. **

**Thomas looked first at Janeway and then back towards Elana. I heard him tell Elana that he was sorry, and then he slowly took a step away from her and towards the Captain. It wasn't hard to tell that he didn't want to go. **

**"Maybe that is something I can help you with, Caterinia?" called out a familiar voice. Moving towards the trio came a tall man, dressed in a long white toga edged with a dark wine-colored border. **

**It was only then that I realized that this was the Caterinia that Thomas had referred to, the one that he had...um...serviced. My next thought hit me in the gut--hard--Kathryn Janeway had made a holocharacter of me, so she could fulfill some kind of sexual fantasy, so she could satisfy her lust! B'Elanna gave my thigh a squeeze with her hand silently communicating to me that she both sympathized and by the pressure she was exerting would cheerfully like to break the Captain's neck. **

**As the man walked closer, we could see that not only did he sound familiar, he resembled Voyager's First Officer, including the tattoo on his forehead. **

**"Chacotus!" Janeway exclaimed. **

**"I see you haven't forgotten your husband, even after you've been away in Roma these many months." **

**"Of...of course not," she stammered, clearly surprised at either Chacotus' presence or his outspokenness, or more likely both. **

**"While you were gone, I invited my niece," he explained and with one hand motioned towards the younger woman, "Elana, to stay here." **

**Janeway nodded. "I see that she and Thomas have gotten to *know* one another." There was no mistaking the accusatory tone of her voice, or what she meant by "know." **

**"That's not the issue right now. Elana, Thomas, leave us alone." Not hesitating, the pair obeyed the older man and slipped into the house. **

**Chacotus slowly approached the Captain and standing tall beside her peered down into her gray eyes. "I suppose you and Elana have something in common, or *had* something in common. You may think I've been blind, but I know you've had Thomas bed you several times before you left on your trip. The walls aren't that thick in our home. I've even heard you scream out in pleasure during the night--a sound you once reserved for me, and me alone." **

**At that moment I think I stopped breathing, though my heart beat so loud I thought it could come through my chest. It was a wonder that the Captain didn't hear it. **

**"Computer, delete Chacotus," Janeway ordered through clenched teeth. **

**::::Unable to comply:::: **

**Chacotus then grabbed the Captain by the shoulders and pulled her towards him. "What's the matter, wife? You don't look happy to see me." Crushing his lips against hers he kissed her thoroughly. Janeway tried to fight back, pushing against his barrel of a chest, but Chakotay's look-a-like was not only strong but relentless. Abruptly he swung her up into his arms, his lips still locked onto hers, and carried her out of the portico. **

**"Move." B'Elanna whispered into my ear. Without hesitation I grabbed her outstretched hand and followed. We moved quickly out from behind the planter, exited the portico and rushed out into the garden. **

**We skirted around a fig tree and a large bush when I suddenly pulled B'Elanna back. "Wait!" I called out. **

**She looked back at me clearly puzzled. "Why? If we hurry up we can exit this program, and Janeway will never know." **

**"I can't let her be...raped by that character." **

**"You don't know that is what will happen," she argued. **

**I looked up towards the windows on the second floor, from where sounds of a struggle emanated. Janeway may be confused about her emotions, but she still was the woman that got me out of that prison in New Zealand. If it wasn't for her, I'd never have had the opportunity to get a second chance on life, and I never would have got to know B'Elanna. **

**"I can't take that risk," I explained. "There must be something we can do...a diversion perhaps?" **

**My spitfire half-Klingon hesitated briefly. I knew her Klingon half would just as soon let Janeway rot, but her Human half won out. "Maybe a fire? We could set the garden ablaze." **

**"Can you do that?" **

**B'Elanna pulled a small tool out of her pocket. "All I have to do is to set this to overload by adjusting a couple of settings..." Her small fingers quickly made the adjustments. "... then..." She dropped the device among the plants and grabbed my arm. "....we run like the Cardies were on our ass!" **

**~~~~~~~~ **

**After, we made sure that a bedraggled, but unharmed, Janeway had left the holodeck, B'Elanna and I headed back to my quarters. I felt dazed...still not quiet believing what we had witnessed. B'Elanna steered me over to my bunk and pushed me down so I sat on the edge and then she knelt before me. **

**"Can I get you anything? Something to drink?" **

**"No...no, thank you. All I need is you," I murmured. Gathering her into my arms, I held her close. I embraced her for what seemed like hours. Eventually B'Elanna tilted her head upwards to face me. **

**"You're thinking of them, aren't you?" she asked. **

**"Yeah. I know they were just holocharacters but..." I paused, the words caught in my throat. **

**"But they seemed so real," she finished for me. **

**"I guess. Or maybe they seemed real to us, because they represented us? I don't know." Placing one of my hands against her face I stroked her cheek bone slowly with my thumb. "Maybe I'm not making any sense." **

**"Or maybe you didn't know Chakotay was so good at holoprogramming?" she teased. **

**I smiled slightly. "Perhaps. I don't know. Thomas seemed so torn. He wanted to be with Elana, but he belonged to Caterinia." **

**"Like you're with me, but you feel obligated to Janeway for getting you out of the rehab colony?" **

**"Yeah, I guess. I also had no idea how...er..." **

**"Obsessed?" B'Elanna offered. **

**I nodded. "How obsessed she is with me. It is one thing to be attracted to someone else, but to go to the trouble of creating a holocharacter of that person...it's just...weird." **

**"Not to mention against Starfleet regulations. I think you should confront her," B'Elanna urged. "What she did is wrong," **

**"And get busted from ensign down to crewman. If it keeps up, it won't be long before I am an observer again!" I paused for a moment and laughed humorlessly. "Maybe that's what she wants. Me back as an observer, then she won't be bound by Starfleet regulations about trying to have a relationship with me." **

**"There has to be another solution. Something else we can do. Maybe we could talk to Chakotay?" **

**"I don't think he'd be able to help us. This is really between me and the captain, but I just can't go up and talk to her about it, then she'd know we were in her program." **

**"So do you have anything in mind?" **

**"Maybe. I think I'll sleep on it though...want to join me?" **

**B'Elanna smiled seductively at me. I knew that we wouldn't be just sleeping that night. She had been as turned on by Thomas and Elana as I had been. We pulled off our clothes, first I stripped B'Elanna and then she me. What followed next was memorable. We seemed to function in slow motion, wanting to make each touch last forever. I don't think I've ever felt more loved than I had that night. I held B'Elanna afterwards while she slept, not being able to get much sleep myself. Too many thoughts and visions traveled at warp speed through my mind: I thought about Elana and Thomas; about B'Elanna and the love we shared; Janeway's feelings for me, and above all what do to about her. In the morning when B'Elanna woke, we were still in each others arms, her dark head pillowed against my shoulder. **

**"Mornin'," I drawled. **

**B'Elanna, who peeked up through locks of hair that had fallen over her face, reached across my chest and gave me a squeeze, then as quiet as a cat she rolled over on top of me. Her bare breasts pressed against my equally bare chest. **

**"Good morning, did you get any sleep?" **

**I shrugged. "A bit." **

**"Hmmmm... somehow I don't even think you even got that much." She ran her index finger from my forehead, down my nose, and to my lips where I captured it and sucked it in. B'Elanna giggled. Smiling I released her finger. **

**"No, not much, I admitted." **

**"You've been thinking?" she concluded. "Come up with any answers?" **

**"I think so. I'll tell you about them after." **

**"After what?" **

**I moved my hips up against her. "After you help me take care of a little problem." **

**"You may be many things, Mr. Paris," B'Elanna concluded. "But little certainly isn't one of them." **

**She braced herself with her hands on my chest and eased upwards. Ever so slowly and deliberately she rubbed herself against me. Back and forth, forth and back, I thought I'd explode right then. Then she suddenly stopped, trapped my gaze with hers, her grin grew wider, I smiled back. In a quick movement she pulled herself up and then down onto me. What happened next was like a trapped hurricane...undulating motion, moans, groans, pleadings, prayers, all culminating in a climatic release, and it followed with B'Elanna once again laying against my chest. It just didn't get any better than this...than us. **

**I fingered her hair away from her face, careful not to pull. "You're incredible," I breathed. **

**She smiled. "It's easy when you're in love." **

**I was blessed. **

**~~~~~~~~ **

**Supplemental Log **

**...a few months later. **

**It took a while, a lot of thinking, and a whole lot of research before I decided what I wanted to do about Kathryn Janeway. My retaliation had to be subtle. She couldn't suspect what I or B'Elanna knew. So I asked a lot of careful questions, of her and Tuvok, being that he was her oldest friend on the ship. It's not easy to obtain information from a Vulcan security officer without raising suspicions so I had to be cautious. A question here, and observation there, that he'd either confirm or deny, but eventually a plan took form. **

**Then I spent weeks creating a holoprogram. I even enlisted Harry's help, though he didn't know the real reason why I was working on this project. As it turned out, I grew very found of the program. The main theme was this quaint Irish village, one of Janeway's weaknesses I had found out was Irish history. Harry chose the name of Fair Haven for the village. I would have preferred Kilkenny, but I let him have his way, after all Fair Haven did sound very inviting. It was lovely, no detail was overlooked. We had a priest, peddlers, townsfolk, animals, sunshine, a variety of stores, eating establishments, and of course a pub; with plans in the future to add a seacoast. The crew, I knew, was really going to enjoy this one, and Harry and I were very proud of our creation. **

**To make sure that the Captain would enjoy the program, B'Elanna and I worked on developing the character of the publican. No Irish village worth it's latinum is complete without a friendly barkeep, and this one would be no exception. **

**B'Elanna walked around the holocharacter. As of yet, it stood before us as naked as the day it was born. The proverbial lump of clay waiting to be molded by its creators. As already ordered by my mate, the character was handsome, but not too handsome. B'Elanna had concluded that Janeway had a soft spot, somewhere, for the rough-looking type. **

**"I think we should make him a bit taller." **

**"Not too tall," I warned her. There was one thing for certain, Michael Sullivan our bartender, was not going to look anything like me. **

**"Ok, say...180 centimetres?" **

**I nodded. **

**"Computer, increase height to 180 centimeters." **

**::::Acknowledged:::: **

**The holocharacter rose in height as ordered. **

**"And he should have dark hair, like the Commander's," I suggested. "Computer, give the character a very dark brown head of hair, about eight centimeters long, and dress him as is consistent with the Fair Haven program." **

**::::Acknowledged:::: **

**The lump grew a nice crop of hair, and clothes appeared on the body--a homespun white shirt and a matching, though slightly rumpled, vest and trousers. **

**B'Elanna rose one eyebrow. "What are you up to? Well not counting what I know you are up to?" **

**I snickered. "Well, I figured if we were going to create a holo- character to curl Janeway's hair, why not get her pointed in the right direction at the same time. Making him look a little like Chakotay couldn't hurt." **

**"Matchmaker!" she accused with a grin. "I like it. What else? Maybe we can program him to like to read, draw, and drink coffee?" **

**"I don't know, B'Elanna." **

**"But it's all things that we know Janeway likes. Wouldn't that help her to be attracted to our Mr. Sullivan?" **

**I walked slowly around the barkeeper, carefully noting his features. "It might. Computer, add a three-day growth of facial hair." **

**::::Acknowledged:::: **

**"But there is something that Janeway likes more than a good book, drawing pretty pictures, or freshly brewed coffee." I looked up to see a puzzled expression on my mate's face. "Kathryn Janeway, B'Elanna, loves nothing more than a good reclamation project. For instance, look at me or Seven? It is probably the one thing I have in common with the ex-Borg, other than being blue eyed and blond." **

**"I see you've been giving this a lot of thought." **

**"You bet. Computer, integrate all data from file Paris-Sullivan 0-3 into the holocharacter Michael Sullivan." **

**:::::Acknowledged:::: **

**The holocharacter shimmered a bit. **

**B'Elanna looked first at Michael and then at me, her curiosity piqued. "What was in the file?" **

**I smiled slightly down at B'Elanna. "Several things. Mostly minor character traits, ranging from how to pour a stiff shot of Irish whiskey, familial relations, the famous Irish gift for gab, and even that twinkle in his eye he'll get when he smiles. Most important of which, I've programmed him to recognize the Captain, and when he does, to charm the pants off of her." **

**B'Elanna giggled at the reference. **

**"When Janeway enters the bar, Michael will be overwhelmed with the desire to please her, despite the fact that he is married." **

**"Married?" **

**"That's the best part, B'Elanna. Computer, should the Captain make any changes to the character of Michael Sullivan, in particular if she should delete his wife, notify me immediately." **

**:::::Acknowledged:::: **

**The end **

**Well the "Logs of Passion" have come to and end. I'd appreciate if you, the reader, would write me and let me know what you think about this story, and the series. You can email me at kelhapam@worldpath.net. Thanks. My website can be found at **[**http://unix.worldpath.net/~kelhapam**][2]

[Click here to return to my home page.][2]

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	6. Harry's Thoughts

Title: Logs of Passion: Harry's Thoughts  
Contact: kelhapam@worldpath.net  
Series: VOY   
Rating: PG-13  
Code: K, P, J  
Part: 1/2 NEW  
Date: 10 March 2001  
  
Summary: Harry investigates Janeway's holoprogram "Fantasy."  
  
Explanation: This story is the sixth in the Logs of Passion  
series. Please remember that the Janeway in this series, is  
derived from the Janeway that was depicted in Season 5.  
  
Logs of Passion Series:  
  
Captain's Log - Thirty Days Coda  
Counterpoint and Beyond - The Captain's Log Continues  
Engineer's Log - Intimate Relations  
Chakotay's Journal  
Tom's Log - Realization & Retaliation  
Harry's Thoughts  
  
  
Special thanks to beta readers: Phyllis S.; Tracy S., and Ronda.   
  
  
Harry's Thoughts  
by PJ in NH  
March 10, 2001  
  
  
Celebrating Tom's last night as a single man, he told me a  
strange tale. At first I chalked it up to him overindulging in  
the bottle of Elasian Scotch I had carefully (with the Captain's  
permission) replicated. But I soon realized he'd been nursing his  
drink all evening and it wasn't the alcohol talking.  
  
* * * * *  
  
After the rest of Tom's stag party guests had left, I stayed to  
help Tom enjoy 'the last drop of booze,' as he called it. In  
reality, I think the prospect of getting married still was a  
shock to him and he didn't want to be alone. Not that he was  
regretting his decisions, but he'd only just proposed to B'Elanna  
that very afternoon. Not wanting to wait to say their vows, it  
didn't provide much time for the usual rituals--or to become  
accustomed to the idea.   
  
Proposal at 1300, bridal shower and stag party that evening,  
followed the next day by a morning wedding, all less than twenty-  
four hours from the time Tom had popped the question. I don't  
know how he'd found the time to ask me to be his best man,  
replicate her ring, and prep the Delta Flyer for the honeymoon.  
  
Flinging the sheets off my body, I walked to the viewport. I  
could still see the race course in the distance. I'm too anxious  
to sleep. Too many thoughts stream through my brain for me to  
relax. It's 0330 and I'm due to meet the groom at 0700 for  
breakfast, and I still can't sleep. Funny, the upcoming wedding  
should be what's keeping me up tonight. Instead I'm thinking  
about Tom's story...and what happened afterwards.   
  
I can hardly believe it, but looking back it starts to make  
sense. Who'd have thought the Captain could harbor such strong  
feelings for her Chief Pilot? Certainly not me. Perhaps I'm  
still as gullible as I was when I first stepped foot on Voyager.  
  
Maybe if I record my words, I can get them out of my brain, and  
then I can get some sleep. It wouldn't do to have a Best Man  
sleeping through the wedding ceremony. What if I dropped the  
rings? Hell with the rings! What if I dropped the mating  
bat'leths, someone could get hurt!   
  
Computer, begin recording, amend Harry Kim's personal log  
database.  
  
::::Confirmed::::  
  
I never thought I'd be making a log like this.   
  
I'd always thought the Captain might have had feelings for  
Chakotay. Maybe it was wishful thinking. Seemed fitting if she  
were to fall for anyone it would be her First Officer, with whom  
she had the most in common. Certainly Chakotay had made it  
known, at least by his actions, he cared for Janeway a great  
deal. But things don't always work out like you want them to.   
Life isn't a picture puzzle where all the pieces neatly fit  
together. It's a jumble of shapes and colors, some fitting and  
some not.  
  
When the last guest left Tom's cabin last night, he motioned for  
me to sit down on the sofa while he chose to perch on the edge of  
his coffee table. We talked about the wedding, and how he  
couldn't have asked for a better best man. I told him he'd been  
the friend and big brother I always had always wanted growing up.   
He smiled softly and took another sip of his drink. Tom  
explained he had something to talk to me about. Something I had  
to swear I would keep secret. It'd been eating away at him, and  
he needed to tell me, in fact he'd been wanting to talk to me  
about it for several weeks.  
  
I didn't know what to expect. When he asked if I'd ever noticed  
anything unusual about the way Janeway had treated him over the  
years, I was speechless for a moment. I hadn't anticipated the  
topic of the conversation to include the Captain.  
  
The first thing which came to my mind though was Tom's demotion a  
couple of years ago. I was shocked at the time. I'll never  
forget Tom being stoically escorted to the brig to serve his  
thirty-day sentence in solitary confinement, minus one pip. He'd  
walked proud, his head held erect, though the ship's corridors,  
not even sparing a glance at B'Elanna or myself. Others had not  
always followed the hallowed Prime Directive... even myself, but  
we hadn't receive the punishment Tom had.   
  
At least Tom had a good reason for his actions. That thought was  
comforting. He was trying to save the Monean ocean world--it was  
honorable. He at least hadn't been selfish, he put the good of  
others before himself. I'm sure Captain Proton would have  
approved. Tom told me he knew Janeway wasn't acting as a captain  
at the time he was striped of his rank, but more of a jilted  
lover. At the time he had dismissed the thought as being too  
implausible. It wasn't long after he learned differently.  
  
B'Elanna told Tom she'd noticed Janeway's attraction towards her  
mate from almost the very beginning. She'd catch Janeway eyeing  
Tom when the Captain thought no one was looking. B'Elanna told  
him there was lust in those gray eyes. I questioned Tom how  
B'Elanna was so sure about what she had witnessed. He explained  
it was some type of Klingon thing...a sixth sense they possessed  
when they thought someone was encroaching on their territory. I  
do have to admit, it does sound like something a Klingon, or even  
a half-Klingon, would be capable of. I didn't know that  
B'Elanna's feelings for my friend had begun back then. You learn  
new things every day.   
  
Looking back over the years, I myself have seen Janeway walk up  
behind Tom while he was piloting Voyager and put her hand upon  
his shoulder. Sometimes she'd seem to go out of her way to do  
so. A touch, a reassuring squeeze--it seemed so innocent at the  
time. Maybe it was in a certain respect. I'd like to think in  
the heat of battle the Captain wasn't thinking about herself and  
her desires, but of the crew and the ship. I do believe when  
faced with some alien ship threatening to blow us up, she is able  
to detach herself. But there have been times which weren't so  
life and death, when she'd place her hand on Tom's shoulder and  
she'd linger there longer than necessary. Her eyes would cloud  
over and she'd seem to be transported to another world, or  
another time...  
  
Another time...geesh! Tom told me about the holoprogram called  
"Fantasy." He even gave me the access code so I could check it  
out if I wanted to confirm his story. It wasn't that I doubted  
him, but I just couldn't resist.   
  
I should have stayed away.   
  
I left Tom in his cabin to get some sleep about midnight and  
headed to the holodeck. I was surprised. "Fantasy" was already  
in progress, but I entered the access code anyway and instructed  
the computer to alter my appearance inside the program. No one,  
least of all Captain Janeway, would recognize that a blonde  
bearded slave was Harry Kim.   
  
When the doors opened I saw the forest path Tom had told me  
about. I set off in a run towards my destination--the villa.   
Arriving, I saw the vineyards which bore an abundance of purple  
grapes. Many of the slaves were busy reaping the harvest and did  
not see me near the building. Tom had told me earlier he and  
B'Elanna had gained access to the house via the portico, so I  
skirted around the back. Nearing the portico, I could hear  
raised voices.  
  
"FIND HIM!"   
  
"We're trying, my lady."  
  
"I don't have time to wait! Find him now, and bring him to me!"  
  
"Yes, my lady."  
  
There was no mistaking the lady's voice. I'd heard the Captain  
use the same tone when she had dealt with the Hirogen or the  
Kazon. She was determined and wasn't going to take no for an  
answer. Quickly I ducked behind one of the planters, probably  
the same one Tom and B'Elanna had hid behind. I know she  
couldn't recognize me in my disguise, but I just felt safer this  
way. Peaking out over the top, camouflaged by the greenery, I  
saw Janeway, or as Tom told me she referred to herself in the  
program--Caterinia. Her auburn hair was pinned back with large  
golden barrettes and she was wearing a stark white toga which was  
trimmed with a wide forest green border. She looked beautiful,  
powerful, and boy was she furious.  
  
The servants scattered throughout the house and onto the grounds  
looking for the missing man. Hearing her sandals slap against  
the stone floor, I could tell she was coming closer to my hiding  
place.  
  
Walking out into the portico, Janeway paused, wrapped her arms  
around her body, she shut her eyes, and drew a deep cleansing  
breath. I could see the tension in her body simply from the way  
she held her head and the how she drummed her fingers against her  
upper arms. She paced back and forth, walking and pausing...I  
could see that she was impatient.  
  
In the distance, I could hear the shuffling of feet coming in our  
direction. Soon several of the slaves bustled into the portico  
area. When they filled the area beside me, I slipped out from  
behind the planter to stand with them. From my position, I could  
see that in the front of the group a couple very large male  
slaves held a third man who had dark blond ruffled hair. I knew  
who that man was from the story Tom told that evening. It was  
Thomas, my friend's Roman holocharacter. An exact duplicate,  
except that Thomas' hair was longer.  
  
"We found him, my lady, near the olive grove."  
  
Janeway turned slowly. The two men pushed Thomas forward sending  
him sprawling at the Captain's feet. Stepping back, the men  
joined the other slaves.  
  
"He was trying to escape," someone from the crowd explained.  
  
The Captain examined Thomas coldly.  
  
"Escape?" she asked, her voice dripped with ice.  
  
He remained silent, still face down on the stone floor.  
  
"Leave us," she ordered the group. The slaves moved to leave the  
portico. "You three..." She pointed to myself and two large men.   
"You will stay, I may have need of your services."  
  
I swallowed down my fear remembering that Janeway could not  
recognize me in my holo-disguise. Following the other two  
slaves' example I stood, with my arms folded across my chest, on  
the other side of the entrance into the main building. Somehow I  
didn't feel as opposing as I looked.  
  
"Sit up, Thomas." She nudged his shoulder with a sandaled foot.  
  
Reluctantly, he pulled his feet under himself and sat back on his  
heels.  
  
Janeway looked down onto his fair head.  
  
"Why were you leaving me, Thomas? Don't you know that a runaway  
slave can be put to death?"  
  
Thomas' jaw clenched but he remained silent.  
  
Dropping to one knee, Janeway grabbed a fistful of his hair and  
pulled his head up to face her.  
  
"I don't intend to ask you again, Thomas. Answer me!" she  
growled.  
  
"What does it matter?" he spat. "I was running away."  
  
"Were you running to *her*?"  
  
Thomas was silent.  
  
"Are you foolish enough to think that you could find your  
precious Elana without being captured?"  
  
Thomas swallowed, but his blue eyes didn't waiver from her face.  
  
"Weeks ago I sent Elana and Chacotus to Roma to pay their  
respects to the new senator of this province. I also left  
instructions with some highly placed friends of mine, to keep  
them occupied. I don't think they'll return for a very, very  
long time."  
  
It sounded to me that the Captain had found a way to circumvent  
Chakotay's programming. Tom told me that Chakotay had altered  
the original parameters to Fantasy. This didn't hold well for  
Thomas.  
  
"I would have found her," he finally said through gritted teeth.   
"Nothing would have stopped me."  
  
"Did you honestly think that a runaway slave could just walk into  
Roma, into the home of a highly respected senator, without being  
noticed?" Janeway/Caterinia, laughed. The sound chilled my soul.   
"You can't believe that Elana could possibly still care for you?   
By now, she'll have had half of Roma coming to visit her,  
showering her with gifts." Caterinia examined her fingernails of  
her free hand. "I've even arranged it for Caesar's nephew to see  
Elana. Already reports have reached my ears they have been in  
each other's *company*. According to my sources, the walls at  
the senator's home reverberate with their passions." She took   
perverse pleasure relating this information to the slave. I'm  
sure she wished she had similar news to deliver to the real Tom  
Paris.  
  
Thomas tried to pull away from her, but she held his hair firm in  
her clasp.  
  
"Do you doubt me, slave?"  
  
He ignored the question.   
  
"I *asked* you a question!"  
  
His eyes flashed with anger. "She'd never do that! She loves  
me!"   
  
"Elana just said she loved you so you would bed her. Come back  
to me, Thomas. My bed is cold, and I crave the feel of your  
flesh next to mine. Take me to the heights of pleasure like you  
once did. With Chacotus away along with Elana, we won't be  
interrupted."  
  
With one hand, Thomas loosened his her grip and pulled away. "I  
won't do that. I promised myself to Elana."  
  
Janeway took a step closer. "But I told you what she was doing  
in Roma. And when Caesar's nephew isn't available, I'm told  
she's been busy taking half of the Roman citizens to her bed  
chamber. They say that she's insatiable."  
  
The young slave rose to his feet. "YOU LIE! You were in Roma  
not long ago. I think you are talking about yourself, not my  
El..."  
  
Lightning quick, Caterinia struck. Bringing her hand up in a  
wide arc, she struck Thomas against the side of his face leaving  
a bright red mark. He staggered backwards from the force of the  
impact.  
  
"Bring me the whip," Caterinia ground out. She didn't take her  
steely eyes off Thomas. "I'll teach you to disobey," she vowed.  
  
I could hardly believe that this was the Captain! It was like a  
different person. She was cold and calculating...she'd never...  
never... then I stopped, I remembered Noah. He'd told me of how  
the Captain had threatened him, of how Chakotay had to come to  
his defense. Noah had been certain if the Commander hadn't  
rescued him, that he'd not have made it out of the interrogation  
cabin alive. Janeway had been diabolical, her sole purpose was  
to get Noah to reveal information...and he firmly believed that  
she would have stopped at nothing to obtain her goal.  
  
Caterinia gripped the hilt of the whip tightly in her right hand,  
and gathered the rest of its length into her left. She tugged on  
the leather while looking at her victim. Thomas stood tall,  
looking at her out of the corner of his eye. She nodded to me  
and the other two slaves who moved toward Thomas. The other two  
each grabbed hold of one of Thomas' arms.   
  
This was too much! Damn, I didn't want to be found out, but even  
here with only a holocharacter of Tom before me I found myself  
wanting to protect my friend.  
  
"STOP!!!" I screamed.  
  
Caterinia, her arm poised to swing the whip, snapped her head  
around to look at me.   
  
"This man's in love," I continued in earnest. "His only crime is  
wanting to be with Elana."  
  
"What's your name, slave?"  
  
Steadfastly I met her gaze and thinking fast I blurted out. "I'm  
called Marcus," the first Roman sounding name I could think of.  
  
"Who are you to question me?"  
  
"I'm but one of your slaves, my lady. But a slave that cannot  
remain silent. What right do you have to treat this man this  
way?"  
  
Janeway muttered something about Chakotay beneath her breath.   
While I couldn't hear all her words, I could tell that she  
suspected that Voyager's First Officer had tampered with  
"Fantasy" again. I prayed that she wouldn't terminate the  
program, for she would find that I was the one questioning her  
actions.  
  
"This man," she replied pointing to Thomas, "left me for another.   
I was the one that bought him from a master that didn't  
appreciate his skills. I loved him. I gave myself to him like I  
have no other, not even to the master of this house! And what  
does *he* do? He forsakes me for my husband's niece!"  
  
I took a step closer to her. "Thomas loves Elana."  
  
"He *owes* me!" Her voice was ice-laden and dangerous.  
  
"He owes you his loyalty and his respect, but he doesn't owe you  
his love. Love speaks from the heart, and the heart has a mind  
of its own."  
  
Janeway glared at me. Uncharacteristically, she was at a loss  
for words. She looked from me, to the other slaves and finally  
down to Thomas. Throwing down the whip she quickly exited the  
program. I breathed a huge sigh of relief that she didn't decide  
the terminate the program before the left the holodeck.   
  
* * * * *  
  
Standing here in my quiet cabin, I look at my reflection in the  
viewport. A lot of things have changed over the years. I've  
grown. I've become more aware of the universe around me since I  
first stepped foot on Voyager. Things I used to take for  
granted, I no longer do. This is one of them. I used to see  
everything on Voyager in black and white and not unlike the  
Captain Proton holoprogram. I've discovered that people aren't  
always as they seem to be.   
  
Tom Paris had once been thought to be a low life, incapable of  
serving the ship like a proper Starfleet officer. When he first  
came onboard Voyager, many people on the ship didn't trust him.   
They steered clear of him like he was bitten by a Sylverian virus  
viper. There have been other people over the years that I have  
misjudged, Seska, Suder, and that guy down in the cargo bay I  
found out really wasn't a guy at all--that was a shock!   
  
Through it all, I never thought that I'd be saying the same of  
the Captain. Perhaps I placed her on a pedestal? We are suppose  
to respect our superior officers--and I do. But maybe this time  
away from the Alpha Quadrant has been too much on her. It would  
have broken many people, many experienced Starfleet officers.   
Look at Ransom, he changed. He let the trials and challenges of  
the Delta Quadrant undermine his integrity.   
  
I can't blame the Captain for wanting to have someone in her  
life. Someone to turn to, someone to hold. We all need someone.   
I thought I had found that someone in Tal. I'm glad that Tom  
found B'Elanna. We all should be as happy and they are.   
  
Smiling fondly and turned away from my viewport and padded back  
to my bed. Today was my friends' wedding day. I needed my  
sleep. I'd think more about what the past several hours held  
later. This time was for Tom and for B'Elanna. I owed it to  
them to be alert. A yawning best man was not a good omen for the  
marriage.  
  
The End.  
  



End file.
